Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.