GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
You Might Also Like
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.