Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live

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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.


I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses


[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*


I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.


Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.


Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.


My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.


Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled


ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.