*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.