*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.