@ThisOneSayz

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

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@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@supertweetjen

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@nbadag

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@internetluke

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”