Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?


Me: My smile?


*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

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If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?


Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.


Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..



United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”


a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin