i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Me: My smile?
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.