Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Me: My smile?
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.
“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”
I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”