Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?


Me: My smile?


*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house


DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious


Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you


[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.


“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters


Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.


My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.