Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.