Spell check is for lasers.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Nice try Hitler