spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though