spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.


Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway


A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.


The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.


Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Pineapple upside down cake


I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.


[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?


Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.


Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?


If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.