@seismically

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

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@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

@alexlumaga

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@Home_Halfway

The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.

@70Ceeks

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@pleatedjeans

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

@NewDadNotes

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.