If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Pineapple upside down cake
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.