@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

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@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

@lisaxy424

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

@nypost

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@d_duhwit

Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”

@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@rebrafsim

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

@LizHackett

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.