I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat