A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Mornin. * use accordingly
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.