I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: Your word is enamoured
me: Could you use it in a sentence
judge: I am enamoured by you
me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?
judge: your word is yes
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe