@VisionBored1

[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes

[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes

- @VisionBored1

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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

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@DanielRosney

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@TheAndrewNadeau

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

@robotmouthfarts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

@TheCatWhisprer

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
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@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
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