[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes

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I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.


ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know


Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store


Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?


Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*


My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring


How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock


Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe