5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair