[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.