[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Worth remembering.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.