spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
You Might Also Like
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes