SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

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“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”


That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.


Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.


Volunteer shark bait is a much more inspiring name for surfers


[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me


Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.


Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.


You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea