SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I have many caverns
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.