Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You Might Also Like
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok