I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
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Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.