[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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