[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are