Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.