Me: can i play music
Funeral director: that’s not appropriate
Me: nana would’ve wanted it
CD player: someBODY once told me
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.