@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

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@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@kylekinane

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

@TheDairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@TheHyyyype

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

@MauriceBlitz

I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.

@attheUC

Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.