( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss