@Dr_awfulpants

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

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@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@primawesome

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

@TheBoydP

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck