To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck