[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what