[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.