You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I found your tweet-up…
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.