SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Breaking news:
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
How it started: How it’s going:
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams