[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.