[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
oh u like geography? name every lake
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
me linking you to my twitter
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower