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@ermahgarton: [spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is "bananas"
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
@dafloydsta: [first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: *whispering to millennials* you'll never pay off ur student loans
@LindaInDisguise: Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
@upsidedowntrash: After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
@OhNoSheTwitnt: You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
@cmfh111: my dad wouldn’t let me get a job in high school so I could enjoy the last time in my life I would be unemployed.
joke’s on you, dad.