[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
This will never not be funny to me.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me