[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
seems fine
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
This kid will have a bright future.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀