@NewDadNotes

[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]

Me: discrimination

@Mechaniz10

You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

@SF_incognito

You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present

@RodLacroix

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents