Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]
Judge: your word is cartograph
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas
You Might Also Like
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name
Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present
Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY