[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”