[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
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[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Dishonest mechanic?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I love the honesty
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.