I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You Might Also Like
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid