[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.