[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…