[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.