Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho