@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

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@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@UhhhJasonWebb

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

@datguyryry

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

@TheJamesH1

All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

@HLFHM

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal