[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.