[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
first you must answer his riddles
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.