@Vhalechark

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

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@murrman5

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@warhorse76

If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.

@JPHaddadio

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

@KatieKatCubs

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.