@DaddyJew

[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@collegefession

“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU

@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@awesomeseank

My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around