My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
just pretend nothing happened
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.