Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids