[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
it was love at first sight
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me as a therapist: omg same
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.