[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts