@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

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@AbleLikes

Next time 2020 calls I’m letting it go to voicemail then chucking my phone in the ocean.

@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@SatansTongue

*puts little Santa hat on cat*

Hahaha Santa claws

*puts little Santa hat on dog*

Hahaha Santa paws

@hazelsheart15

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@ericsshadow

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

@Playing_Dad

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.