*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
How is it still this week?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Coffee for people with no kids
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?