LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“Your finest Scotch, please.”
“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.
I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it
If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Spirits are you there?
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