@Rollinintheseat

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

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@Reverend_Scott

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

@jazmasta

By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

@AnExocticBeach

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

@dave_cactus

“Your finest Scotch, please.”

“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

@Rollinintheseat

It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.

@rowdyforsheriff

I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it

@sameblacklist

If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?

@dorkwing_duck

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*