[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
How do horror writers compete with current events?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.