What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.
ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life
RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us