[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’


That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?


genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*


i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”


Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.


My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.


ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”


Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry


Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us