[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.