Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing
me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess
With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.