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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations


INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course


“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.


Never ask a girl “How are you single?”



wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see


Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.


I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.


hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess


With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.