Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Thursday Thought.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Sharon I have some bad news
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*checks Timeline*…
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk