One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers